Bad Night

It's a good sign that I haven't written in close to a year, right? Because I only write on here when I'm feeling low, want to write it down, but don't want anyone to know it's me.

I'm homesick for my past.

i know I'm not supposed to regret. I shouldn't look back. I am so sick of school. I am not in a place I want to be right now. I hate doing dishes. I can never get things clean enough. They always get dirty again. I miss my friends. Oh, oh oh, I miss my friends! I miss them. They do not call. I do not call them. WE had to go separate ways, and it broke my heart a tiny bit. I miss my friends.

I do not have any friends here.

Except at school, but school friends are not real friends. I miss doing things, having adventures.

Tinkerbell is not having much fun in neverland right now. It's all work and growing up, and that's not how neverland is supposed to be.

I do wish I could run away to a place like Neverland ever once in a while. Life is going by too fast and i'm not even doing anything fun with it. I'm being responsible and getting school done. But I hate it. I want to be done.

I am counting the days. I actually wrote down how many days are left until every vacation from school.

There are too many days.

I miss high school even.

Isn't that sad?

Life is more and more like a rollercoaster, and I want to get off the ride sometimes and just be. Neverland, I wish you'd come and get me, just for a day or so. I'm so ready.

He's Being Dumb.

We live an hour apart.  I went to visit him last night.  I wanted him to come tonight.  He went to a Christmas party instead.  Since I don't really want to complain to anyone about him, I'm complaining to no one through this blog.

He wouldn't come to Thanksgiving with me and my family.

It's so hard.

I love him, but I don't get as much back from him as I give to him.

I just want to be loved back. Take some risks. Have some faith. Love and be loved. Tomorrow will come, why not live for today a little?

But I can't say that, because he doesn't want to be pushed.  And yet I still push him.  I can't help it.  Why not get married asap and just start our lives together? It wouldn't be rushing anything; we've been dating over a year. With a six month engagement nobody could say that's rushing things.  I'm sick of waiting. I'm so frustrated. It's so hard loving someone so much and not getting it in return.  It's been a month, and nothing's changed with him.  And I just fall for him more every day.

....except today it's a little hard to say that, because I'm upset. :(

I Believe. . .

I firmly believe that you never forget your first love.

I haven't yet, and I've been thinking about getting engaged to someone else.  I am so confused.

Things would never work out with my first love.  In fact, he found somebody else and is quite happy.

But I still dream about him.

Separation Day #2

And today I feel like a week is not long enough.

Staying in Neverland a bit longer...

Separation Day #1

We decided to "take a break."

For a week.

I was surprised when he suggested it.

It kind of hurt. But it was the only thing that made sense.

I'm so confused.

The first day hasn't been a ton of help in helping me know what to do.

I feel free.  But I always want to just call him and say, "Let's just get married."  I don't want to give up on it yet.  I don't want to lose the friendship.  I kept thinking today about the future, and he was always in it.  Reading aloud in the car to him.  Celebrating Christmas. Giving him a birthday present.  I don't know. I don't know what I want.  I don't know if I love him enough to marry him.  I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Time to escape to Neverland...

Halloween Musings

I like Halloween.  It's my fourth favorite holiday. (Bet you're wondering what the other 3 are now, huh? too bad!)  

But I'm not dressing up this year.  I don't really have any plans.  Yet.

I kind of want to watch a scary movie.  Or go to a party.  But I don't know of any parties right now.  

Anyway, that's boring.  If I was going to dress up, I would be blackmail.  Dressed all in black with some stamps over my heart or something.  Or a mermaid.  I found a pearlish necklace in my sister's room today that would be perfect for a mermaid costume.  

My friend is running in a 5K tomorrow and dressing as a runaway bride.  She's got a groom to chase her too.

I kind of wish my life was like that.

Tinkerbell's Secret #1-and a few more

I was awful to Peter Pan last night...like really awful.  I was being selfish (what else is new?), and he was trying to understand.  But he just doesn't understand.

You see, we live a distance apart.  It's hard for us to see each other.  I went to see him on Monday, when he was sick.  I just wanted him to come see me, but he had other things to do.  I was being silly.  Selfish.  How can I stop being selfish?

He wants to marry me.  We've looked at rings.  I haven't told anyone that we've looked at rings.  Like actually gone into the jewelers and tried them on.  But I have another secret: I'm not sure I want to marry him.  How are you supposed to feel when you want to get married?  Because I don't feel like I'm in a fairy tale.  I get upset with him a lot.  ...like I did last night.  It's more like a nightmare than a fairy tale when that happens.  I don't want to have a forever with him like that.

Good thing I'm in Neverland now...where I don't have to grow up or make those kinds of decisions.